Monday, June 2, 2008

I, You

I am the past,
But you are the memories.
I am the cold snap,
But you are the falling snow.
I am the deep sleep,
But you are the dreaming.

Hard Up

I fell out with the Royal Mint
No cash for me,
No more,
I'm skint,
I'm not a slave to monthly pay
'The best things are free'
As the short of cash say,
I seem to spend hours
Scrabbling around
For any lost treasure,
A penny,
A pound.
Who needs it anyway?
What will it buy?
If these theories fail
I'll give scratchcards a try.

The Inner Pensioner Tuts

I lean my elbow on the bar
And my cardigan soaks up
Someone else's spillage,
And from afar,
I hear the c-word.
The inner pensioner tuts.
Schoolkids snogging on the bus,
Someone throws a Quaver my way
And I have to shout for my ticket
Over the 3.30 din.
The inner pensioner tuts.
I go out for a paper,
Treat myself to a Twirl,
And splashed on the pavement
In a white paint tattoo reads PILL HEAD.
The inner pensioner tuts.
I'm only 23,
And I'm sighing during half term,
At kids wheeling on the pavement,
And I try to stop it,
But it just takes over,
And the inner pensioner tuts.

I Gave a Shirt to Oxfam

I gave a shirt to Oxfam;
It was peach with blue polka dots
But had started to cut under the arms
Due to a newfound penchant
For toasted cheese sandwiches.

I saw it in the shop window one day,
But the next day it was gone.
I never saw how much it went for,
Or who idly touched it while browsing,
Let alone who bought it.

It might have gone somewhere exciting
Or to the road next to mine,
I might see a girl wearing it
If I do, I might tell her.
But I might not. She might think I'm weird.
I just hope the shirt
Hasn't been talking about me.

Hair Consultants

I'm booking a haircut,
But I lost the phone number
From the time my phone got ill
And had to go to Vodafone rehab.
Can't be arsed to haul out the Yellow Pages,
So here I go, tap tap tap, on Yell.com
Any number you want, it says,
Any business, it'll find.
I type in the name,
Press the yellow Search button.
Nothing.
Come on, it's a bloody hairdressers called Hair,
Is it that difficult?
I try again.
Nothing.
I 'refine' my search,
Something that always amuses me,
I'll refine my search, take it up a social class,
Give it a cigar and hope for the best.
Ok now here we go, I've got it now.
The reason I couldn't find it in the first place
Was that it's not a hairdresser's at all.
It's a hair consultants.
Well excuse me for getting that wrong,
They don't dress your hair these days,
The CONSULT it.
"Raymond's hair," they'll ask, "is a fringe ok?
How do you feel about layering, Raymond's follicles?"
Hair consultants, I ask you,
Whatever happened to a simple cut and blow dry?